Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize