FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
