my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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