I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
