why im i the only drunk person in the library?
it glows. i had to have it.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
