apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
She said her name was "party"
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
