it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
