Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
