She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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