I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
