Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize