How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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