Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
