saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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