i wish starbucks made bloody marys
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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