Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You did what with his pubic hair?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
