Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
