either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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