jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Randomize
