happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
