o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
