If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
