So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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