So drunk its hurt
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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