I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
