How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
