Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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