I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
