i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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