how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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