so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
