So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
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