You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
