I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
