I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
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