I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
