Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
