Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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