I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
