i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize