it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Randomize
