There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
