I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize