You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
