Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
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