I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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