I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
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