My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
