apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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