pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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