i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
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