just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
