That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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