I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
