So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
