you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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