I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I am spending my child support on dildos
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
