Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
