He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
You left your phone here
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