So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
