you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
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