The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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