her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Randomize
